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Her Experience: Embracing A Non-Sexual Nature

A 37-year-old woman: I have not once enjoyed sex. Growing up, I believed flawed because people praised it highly.”

The sole matter that Cameron and I have ever differed about is intimacy in our relationship. Upon getting together almost a decade back, sex was certainly something he wanted more frequently than me. Following six months of being together, we chose to pursue a non-monogamous setup so that he could pursue partners who are more sexual than me.

There were pangs of envy initially, but our bond was strengthened due to honest talks, and I came to feel completely safe in our love. This has been a great benefit for our relationship, as I never truly enjoyed sex. As a teen, I believed incomplete since society at large idealized it, but I couldn’t grasped the hype about it.

After discovering an asexuality resource online recently, it was like looking in a mirror. I felt surprised, since previously I thought of myself as a sexual person – I enjoy self-pleasure, and I experienced a considerable number of sex during my twenties. But I believe I participated in those encounters since I had lingering guilt – a remnant of being a teenager in a world that tells us you have to satisfy your partner.

This information revealed to me was that being asexual is a wide range. To illustrate, I lack libido, regarding people who I admire visually. I appreciate how they look, but I have no desire to engage sexually with them. But I appreciate reaching climax. In my view, it’s pleasurable and it’s a way to unwind – a way to clear out the mental clutter in my head.

This was very freeing to reveal to Cameron that I identify as asexual. He accepts it. We do still engage in intimacy, as I feel deep connection and bonding with him at that time, and I am deliberately opting when I want to be close to him physically. It’s not that I have a physical urge, but there exist alternative purposes to be intimate, such as desiring emotional intimacy. I observe his pleasure, and that gives me pleasure. Similarly that an individual who is sexual can choose to refrain from sex, I can opt to be physical for different purposes than being turned on.

His Experience: Love Beyond Sex

Cameron, 36: Simply because intimacy isn’t the focus doesn’t mean that love is lacking.”

Sex used to be super important to me. It was the source from which I gained much of my confidence. I was unwell and in hospital often in my youth, so sex evolved into an activity that I felt provided empowerment regarding my physique. It then shift significantly upon getting to know Sarah, because physical intimacy was no longer the most important thing in our relationship.

With Sarah, I discovered more value in alternative areas of myself, and it reduced the importance of sex. I don’t want to be intimate with other people currently. Should I have a desire for physical connection, I have other ways I can manage it. Self-pleasure is one, but alternatively taking a hike, considering what I’m feeling or watercolour painting.

When Sarah discovered this part of herself, I began to realise that intimacy is more about shared feelings. This can occur during sex, but as well as through alternative ways that are similarly important and gratifying. I once had a particular notion of what asexuality was – if you didn’t have sex, you would not experience desire. But it exists on a continuum, and it requires patience to figure out your position on it.

We have been a couple for nine years, and just because sex isn’t a priority doesn’t mean that romance isn’t. Planning intentional periods for connection is really essential for our relationship. Sometimes we buy creative projects and do them in small portions daily, which is really intimate. Or we plan a date night and head out for a non-alcoholic drink and a pizza. We embrace and make plans down the road, which is a way to show affection. I experience a lot of pleasure from cooking for other people, and it leaves me very content like an satisfied state.

This aspect has enlarged the concept of our partnership. It’s like limiting the tools you have for your relationship – you have to find new ways using available means. It pushes you to reflect creatively. But it never reduced the bond that I experience for Sarah at all.